CoDA Work This Morning

I'll say what I'm supposed to, and kind of mean it today.
Thank you God, for this day.

I woke up and I feel:

Overwhelmed, Regretful, Unhappy, Sad, Rotten, Frightened, Lonely, Ill, Depressed, Envious, disturbed, Encumbered, Inept, Stuck, Disturbed, Encumbered, Inept, Stuck, Rejected, Numb, Bothered, Neglected, Hindered, Dreadful, Vulnerable, Unloved, Entangled, Jilted, Betrayed, Dejected, Blue, Ridiculous, Bewildered
AND
Defeated, Willing, Powerless,
AND
Grateful, Sacred, Blessed

I think it is because:
I can't help what I feel. I miss J. I don't have the energy to fight this all yet. I wake up with a pit in my stomach and NO desire to go through the day. Every day I want to stay home and lie down, but I don't want to do that to the kids plus the adults will be mad at me and mainly I'm afraid of how depressed I'd be at home all day anyway. I have funky dreams. I come home from work depressed.
I do what I can. I shower and look as good as I can, I smile throughout the work day and am cheerful and kind to all, work hard, socialize...I do good deeds for others, I make the classroom as fun as possible for us all, I meditate now, I read, I practice piano almost every day, I see friends, I talk on the phone and laugh with friends, I even eat well now. I put lights on in the house, I try to notice the sky, the trees, the birds (there are still some around even though it's end Nov.), the childrens' smiles. I go to meetings, usually 2 a week. I keep my mind busy learning new things. I read positive things. I do Affirmations. I try to not put negatives into my head - like I refuse to listen to all the hateful stuff about teachers and all we might lose...unless the union tells me there is something I should do, I just don't listen - same with horrible news stories. I pray. I huggle doggie and walk her when she's here. I talk to my sponsor every day. I read the daily meditations and some Big Book.
Sponsor says this just takes a lot of time. I don't know what dr. will say. He comes today.
But I cannot - I am not able to - get over the J. stuff. I am not able at this time. First of all, I feel like there is still a tiny degree of hope. Secondly, when it feels like there might not be, it overwhelms me. And work is so hard. We are all feeling it. The demands are beyond what one person can do, and getting harder all the time. Literally. Even administration admits it. So it's overwhelming. There is no energy left when I get home. None. Not even for J if he were interested. *That's* telling.
I don't know what else to do.

And yesterday's book group disappointed me a lot. I felt bad about the "mean girl" people, making fun of those of us who got something out of the book My Stroke of Insight. And of the pretense of voting on the next book, when I was sitting where I could see and here that it was all planned and the "leader" was prodding the others when to say what...and make it happen.
I had hoped this would be a good-for-us-all talk. but some people have no capacity/desire to grow. So shallow. And it's not that they're happy, or I would say Wow, let me learn from them. So that disappointed me. No biggy in the longrun; I just think it added to my feelings.

The Defeated, willing, powerless stuff is about food. I know I can't do it alone. And I ask for God's help and get through one day. Sometimes perfectly sometimes not, but always better than before, even recently.

And I *am* still grateful. Because I know the problems I could have and don't. Like schizophrenia, dread physical diseases, amputations, violent crimes against me, ... Many things I wont' even mention, that would make me wish for these problems back.

But somehow the gratitude and the misery co-exist. I don't understand it but they do. Sponsor understands it as was through the same thing. That helps some as sponsor has gotten past it and lives a good life now.

God help me, I swear I am trying.
God help me, I believe you will.
God help me, I know you can.