CoDA Morning Work Today

Wow.

Okay. I'm supposed to say it so I will:
Thank you, God, for this day.

I woke up (made coffee, practiced a line of piano, put tv on, am drinking coffee) and I feel:

Vulnerable, regretful, unhappy, neglected, lonely, disturbed, desolate, ridiculous, rejected, shaky, rotten, betrayed, upset, isolated, downtrodden, undervalued, scared, bruised, unloved, defective, imprisoned, inept, intimidated, frustrated, wounded, dejected, brittle, disconnected, and needy
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
AND
Grateful, sacred, blessed, healthy

It is because (why don't I want to say "I think it is because?"):

First four lines:

What J. said yesterday about telling my mother.
Sometimes it seems it's not sure at all. And then it seems he is.
Maybe he's ambivalent. Or maybe he's sure but trying to not be cruel to me.
I called back, crying and I was so so miserable. And he never called back. I went to sleep 7 hours later. Does he not care? Is he too selfish? Does he not want to "lead me on?" who knows.
But it takes one break of the string of hope to feel like the veins are being pulled from my body. I don't know how else to describe it. That's what it feels like.
I feel like: we made a commitment. Why didn't you at least try SOMETHING and talk to me about what was going on.
I feel like: I can't do all this alone.
I feel like: I have nothing to live for.
I feel unable to change any of it, so imprisoned.

I also feel like I would feel a LOT worse this morning if I'd eaten badly last night.
So, the second portion, defeated, willing and powerless, is about food. And OA program.

And the third part is God. God and Universe and friends and my mother still alive and program and breathing. And it would be so much worse if I were seriously ill.

I acted out co-dependently:
Calling him

Next time I will do differently:
I don't know.
Maybe supposed to not call.
Or
Maybe okay that once I let him know how I felt.
I'm debating asking him to help me.

Oy I'm a mess.