Important from Yesterday

I need to record this here.
I had a *very* rough morning.
And - while on phone with MA, with tv on low in background, *and* on computer,
all the power went out.
Dark, cold, no tv phone or internet. Even more depressing.
I did call electric co. and they said 903 families - possible fire or truck hit power line... Would only take a few hours (at least they thought so).
Called MA back on cell phone, and mother.

So
depressed as all shit, excuse my French, I threw clothes on and took my mother to the bank and did some banking while I was there.
Then I took her for a milkshake - she loves them plus her pill hadn't gone all the way down her throat and she didn't have thickening powder with her to have water.
She treated me to tea.
It was nice.
Then I took her to the supermarket but I sat in the car because I wasn't about to get food when I had no electricity - fridge...
Still very depressed.
Got her groceries home.

Plus, she was sweaty and breathing badly at first.
But swears this happens about once a week and that makes sense with her conditions. Still, I hated it. And I spent about 3 hours with her just in case.
Getting old can really suck.
Plus I want my mommy.
Oh well, I will see her later today anyway.
Must live more in the day in the moment anyway.

Then couldn't stand being alone.
MA was going to be back at her house after her Sat. stuff at 2:30. She left the door open in case I wanted to go there before then. Warm etc. But I didn't want to be in that big house all alone either.
So I called O. but she was busy working. So I called St. but she and hubby were taking their kids out to lunch. I wished they'd invited me, but certainly understood why not of course.

But then I cried in the car. Just cried. So lonely. So sad. So disgusted with what I've done to my life and where it is/I am now.

I stopped at the store to pick up lunch and went to MA's. Could not stand quiet time. Could not.
So I did some word puzzles.

Meanwhile J called about doggie. But I felt better not taking her, although I miss her dreadfully! Because I cannot stand being in my own mind now, and need to be able to keep very very busy if needed this weekend. He was fine with that.
But I was so disappointed that although he didn't like the way I sounded when he called Thursday, he never called back...
Imagining all sorts of things...

Well, I called him back. Because he sounded down too. Plus I didn't want to be cold. So I said I'm sorry I've been having some rough days but I really want to work the stuff out for myself, being more independent. PLUS I do not want to ask for help from him particularly, as I do truly want him to be happy. And, I'm interested - how was his busy busy week (which he'd told me about in advance).
He talked about it and it was nice.
Then he said he saw I needed a new vacuum belt so he bought two and will come over and put one in.
I said if he does it while I'm here, I could learn how (it's a new and different vacuum and I really can't figure it out - but learning how will add to my independence).

MA walked in just as we were finishing our talk.
She and I had lunch together.
I was sort of hyper as I had had - candy - ugh - in the car on the way there, because couldn't stand my own emotions.
Anyway, we talked and had a nice little visit.
Then we were off to the book store together.
And we came back to her house and read together. So nice.
And that's when, at one point, I had to pick up my computer and write the following.
I couldn't get online, so I put it in microsoft word and am putting it here now.

I *really* wanted to keep a record of that day.
And here is what I had written, cut and pasted here, which I really want to keep track of too:

***
This is so important, I must write it Now! It is 5:57 on Nov. 19, 2011. I am sititng at MA’s house in her living room, with her, reading. WE both are reading.
I am reading the book I just bought, A Natural History of the Piano The Instrument, the Music, th Musicians – from Mozart to Mocern Jazz and Everything in Between by Stuart Isacoff
I am only on p. 14, and it starts on p. 3. Twice already – twice already! – I have felt like – who cares – the importance of J to ME is just not that all-important! There is history, and soul-learning – and human connections – and music.
And I can turn my piano the other way so the back-to-the-door-and-windows bad feng shui does not exist.
aNd I can practice.
I must practice.
I will practice.
I have MY OWN interests!
I have my OWN SELF!
I AM a person.
I support myself!
I can do what the fuck I want!






And – that her l.r. is so beautiful
And I can lighten up my place – cover the furniture lighter (don’t want to afford to have painting done now and can’t do myself _ and make it beautiful, and keep it neat.
And thank you, EJ for the sharing in the comment about non-negotiable – I think you called it non-discretionary or something about food and cleaning…

Love love love