Grats

I am grateful:

1. It is still the 26th. And I’m still on slow mode. But must do some gratitudes. Friend posted this on facebook: “No matter where you are in life right now, no matter who you are, no matter how old you are-it is never too late to be who you are meant to be.” ~Esther & Jerry Hicks
And now it’s today. Must do gratitudes. Must. Um.
2. I’m grateful that I did my morning CoDA work.
3. I’m grateful for the feeling of hope.
4. I’m grateful for the fact of hope, if there is any.
5. I’m grateful I can walk.
6. And breathe.
7. And talk.
8. And see!
9. And hear.
10. And taste
11. And smell
12. And lose weight.
13. And grow hair.
14. And drive.
15. And work (because I have to).
16. And contribute to the world
17. And practice piano.
18. And that I have friends.
19. And the oak tree out front.
20. I’m grateful I can shop.
21. And cook.
22. And did some of both this weekend.
23. I’m grateful for all the minutes I’ve had with J.
24. I’m grateful people read my blog.
25. I’m grateful for when people e-mail me.
26. I’m grateful that I ate only good foods yesterday and the day before.
27. I’m grateful for my time with Thich Nhat Hahn
28. Although I feel like my stomach is falling out of my body, I know it could be worse and I’m grateful it isn’t.
29. Today’s For Today: “People wish to be settled; only as far as they are unsettled is there any hope for them.” Ralph Waldo Emerson
30. “Unsettledness may be said to be a state of becoming
31. “Which is what we in Overeaters Anonymous are doing
32. Just as growth is a process that is never finished, so is recovery an ongoing process:
33. “I am recovering, not recovered.
34. “Being settled is never forever.
35. “I can say, ‘When this is over, I’ll be all right.’ But then something else arises, and the process begins again.
36. “That is the natural pattern of growth – one step after another.
37. “If there is no pain, what is there to work through, to learn from and to grow beyond?”
38. “For today: I rejoice that the feeling of being unsettled – having many problems to deal with, much adjusting to do – sends me to my Higher Power instead of the refrigerator.” Okay. True. And all very important too. So me. The “After this is over, I’ll be fine,” bullcrap.
39. Today’s Voices of Recovery is about getting through a holiday without overeating. Celebrations. These have never been my problem. But this part is still good: “I start my day asking the God of my understanding for help.
40. “I’ve learned to pick up the phone, and kind words receive me on the other end.
41. “They gently remind me of the pain I thought would grip me forever and of the most important thing I will do today: keep my abstinence.
42. “Gratefulness envelops me, I say a quiet thank-you, and go through my day.
43. “When I lay my head down, gratitude lulls me to sleep.” Could that be a kind of a promise?
44. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I accept where I am.”
45. Oy. Okay. That means someone else has needed to hear this too. Okay.
46. “I respect the journey that I am on.
47. “I do not compare the pace or rate of my growth to others. I am on my own path.
48. “I am exactly where I need to be.” Oh, I do SO want to believe that. But really? Okay maybe. For growth.
49. “I avoid taking other people’s inventory and instead look at myself.
50. “I focus on the lessons that I need to learn and remember that each person and situation can be my teacher, if I allow them to be.
51. “I am open to growth.”
52. I must call B. She loved N. and he died. And she is okay, years later. She gets through each day, stays abstinent,… Death is so much worse, because the person no longer has a life. And you love the person and want him to. Also because it is permanent no matter what. But on the other hand, this is worse in a way because it is a rejection, not an act of God. And because it leaves tears in between hope/no hope…and the possibility of seeing the person with someone else one day…And you can’t chalk it up to the fates, but to one’s own lacks. Shit. Anyway, I am grateful for B.
53. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “We Can Trust Ourselves.
54. “For many of us, the issue is not whether we can trust another person again; it’s whether we can trust our own judgment again.
55. ‘The last mistake I made almost cost me my sanity,’ said one recovering woman who married a sex addict. ‘I can’t afford to make another mistake like that.’ Many of us have trusted people who went on to deceive, abuse, manipulate, or otherwise exploit us because we trusted them. We may have found these people charming
56. I am now drawing a bath.
57. And have walked through the house and stretched my legs. Good.
58. And I just heard the birds outside! Oh, thank God for the birds! May I get to/continue to, hear things like that WITHOUT thinking of the destruction we’re doing…
59. I will bathe and then take my mother shopping.
60. And pick up the few things for self.
61. And then go to OA. I will.
62. And then go buy baby gifts for little B, with MA>
63. And then read with her.
64. Thank God for plans.
65. And later IF I’M UP TO IT I will cook something. But only if I want to. Because I have plenty of healthy good stuff already in fridge and freezer. Maybe just one bake. Or maybe tomorrow after work.
66. And maybe each day this week I’ll do a LITTLE about cleaning up a room, little by little, through the rooms.
67. Now, back to Lang. of Letg. Go: “We may have found these people charming, kind, decent. There may have been a small voice that said, ‘No – something’s wrong.’
68. “Or we may have been comfortable with trusting that person and shocked when we found our instincts were wrong.
69. Okay. It’s later now. I’ll have to get back to Lang. of Letg. Go later. I managed to take a nice bath.
70. The bubble bath I bought yesterday.
71. And a good price.
72. And at the supermarket.
73. And I managed to get dressed. Good enough.
74. And put a little makeup on.
75. And make my (dirty) hair look kind of cute.
76. And drive.
77. And get my mother shopping.
78. And pick up more things for myself that I didn’t get yesterday.
79. And that the next time I go, because I just yesterday found out from the manager, will be on a Tuesday - because of the reduced rates!
80. And so that will be a week from Tuesday.
81. And that I am at OA now. And 5 other people are here too. So I guess I should stop. But I’ll do a few more. I am grateful that my sponsor just brought me a jigsaw puzzle.
82. MA says she has some idea(s) for me today, how to get through (J related)
83. My own ideas about it too.
84. Maybe I can buy a microwave today or tomorrow or at least soon.
85. CoDA meeting is tonight.
86. Scared, but happy that did go to email and mention party last night.
87. And got two responses. One positive; one can’t.
88. It’s later now. It was a good meeting.
89. And I found a “perfect” toy for little B.
90. And it wasn’t a bad price.
91. And MA got something for him too.
92. And she’s quite pleased with it.
93. And we had a good visit.
94. Spoke with J about microwave after I didn’t find one. Good thing I did. He reminded me we’d moved the counter…so it’s very shallow and only fits a size one buys online.
95. Then he went on and ordered it for me.
96. And said when it comes he’ll, “come here and set it up.” I assume that’s something I’m perfectly capable of doing, but that’s nice.
97. Very rough talk yesterday, and I was literally pulled over off the road in a sort of little panic attack today. And talking to him was like a salve/balm, which is bad CoDA-wise, but frankly, I’ll take any relief I got, at this point. I am afraid of how far down I can go, after I saw what happened to me yesterday. So, grateful for the little relief.
98. Just spoke with O too. So good to hear her voice (she is away).
99. I *will * manage after all, to do my work well for the children tomorrow.
100. There is a God. There is. He will help me. He does.