I'll say what I'm supposed to:
Thank you God, for the is day.
I woke up and I feel:
Overwhelmed, Regretful, defective, unhappy, rotten, Frightened, Broken, lonely, Ill, Depressed, envious, disturbed, sad, isolated, Inept, DESPAIRING, desolate, encumbered, overlooked, Scared, hindered, Numb, bothered, Rejected, Vulnerable, Anxious, Dreadful, Imprisoned, neglected, disconnected, bruised
AND
Defeated, willing, powerless
And
Grateful, Sacred, blessed, healthy
I think it is because:
First stuff. J. Oh God, I'm so sorry for it all. Whether it's what I've done to be unlovable, not giving enough, taking him for granted, not seeing what HE was going through, not putting the most of my energy into my marriage, but having him be backup while my energy went elsewhere...
The defeated stuff: food. And it's good because it's keeping me honest
The last stuff because I still do have a LOT to be grateful for. And because although I feel HORRIBLE this morning, it's not as bad as yesterday morning, and that is God.
I acted out codependently:
I don't know. I don't know what I did yesterday that was codependent.
So I don't know what I'd do differently next time.
I did pray, and do some Big Book study, and read some of the inspirational book, and rested when was so tired...
Honey: Re-read your first "I think it is because' paragraph. Why do you continue to put all of this blame on yourself? You're suffocating in it. I obviously don't know the particulars, and I'm not sure it matters. What matters is this - I'm going to be frank, here - marriages end. For a million different reasons, but mostly because people change over time and their needs with it. I don't know a single person - not one - who has not been through a devastating love loss. You wallowing in all of the things that you did wrong DOES NOT HELP YOU recover. Find your joy, sweetie. Get up, get moving, stay active, read things for fun, and try to quit analyzing the J. thing (ever heard of analysis paralysis?) and move on. It's time. Love you.
ReplyDeleteOh Sweetie, thank you. Your comment helps me somehow. If you read today's CoDA, you'll see that I am trying. I am. Honestly.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm not trying to analyze. I'm trying to do my daily CoDA work of getting in touch with whatever my real feelings are and accept them no matter what. And then move on from them into my day. That's why I do grats right after CoDA am stuff.
But I can't do more.
I'm not giving up.
I hope you don't dump me.
Love you.
And EJ, Honey, if you look at today's grats, you'll see that I swear I'm trying to learn. Just finished My Stroke of Insight, and bunches of things I'm grateful for from it, and trying (new though - just finished it yesterday).
ReplyDeleteXO!
I would NEVER dump you. I'm only trying to lend my meager perspective from a far, far distance. And send you love, as always. Good work from you. xo
ReplyDeleteOh, and I NEVER wanted you to feel ridiculous. Because you aren't. Ever.
ReplyDeleteHoney, I *appreciate* your input!
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you thank you for not dumping me. I'm doing the best I can.
Thank you so much for the love.