CoDA Work This Morning

Thank you, God, for this day.

I woke up and I feel:
Horrible.
I'm breathless.
I feel like I can't even do the feelings magnets.
But I'll try.

I feel kind of more numb than anything.
Which isn't good, CoDA-wise. Supposed to get in touch with feelings.

Okay. So.

I woke up an I feel:

1. Lonely, hindered, sad, regretful, left out, frightened, broken, desolate, encumbered, bypassed, disconnected, estranged, inept
AND
2. Defeated
AND
3. Blessed, grateful, sacred
AND
4. Hand issues
AND
5. Healthy
AND
6. Loving, in a way

I think it is because:
1. J.
J waning to be without me.
Thanksgiving.
All those years we couldn't see his family, because of him. And now he does. And *I* want to!
When he starts feeling better about himself, he dumps me.
I have to not see my mother on Thanksgiving, in order for her to not know about us, which makes me feel literally sick. Literally.
All these people - I just - lost.

2. Foodwise

3. I know I have a million things to be grateful for, and how much worse it could be.

4. Don't know why. Salt?

5. Chest getting better?
Healthy overall. And very grateful for that.

6. Loving, in a way. But toward J. So not good.

I acted out codependently:
Ate too much last night.
Still haven't fixed bed.
I know. I know.
I'm sorry and embarrassed enough.
Doing all I can to get through.

Next time I'll do differently:
Pray for help more.