Dear God

Dear God,
I'm up to number 36 on my gratitudes list this morning. But I had to stop and come here and pray to you.
I am *SO * scared, God.
Something is wrong with me.
Maybe I'm just a genetic mistake.
Or maybe my upbringing.
I am hot and breathless with fear and misery.

Yet I have so much to be grateful for.

But, with really only seeing from one eye, and having glaucoma in both, maybe the poke in the good eye I did last night and the pain from it this morning is terrifying me.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Should I just be at the opthamologists? Or should I be going into work. I don't even know. I WANT to go into work. I CAN see... But god help me, may it not be a dreadful mistake!
Oh how I wish J. were here to help me. And so we'd have fun. And so I could love him. And so I'd get hugged. And we'd laugh. And he'd take me to the doctor. And I'd cook for him. And all the zillion things.

God, I can barely breathe.
I am so scared. Please help me.

I know there are people with leprosy, people in prisons, people who have accidentally killed someone with their car, people whose whole families are sick - like that family where I work, people who have been in concentration camps, people who are starving, dying of thirst, and on and on.
I am so lucky.
Yet I suffer and am miserable.

Please help me, God.
What is wrong with me?
Please! Help me!
Amen.

I will go back to gratitudes now.