Grats

I am grateful:

1. That I just did my CoDA am work.
2. That I got through last night. Such a very hard night. But I’m here.
3. That I had a good ophthalmologist visit yesterday. Big relief always.
4. My morning aide. I love her. She’s amazing. And we might be becoming friends.
5. That although I can’t remember the circumstances/place/time now, I know that yesterday and the day before, there were some times when I felt okay. Even strong and good.
6. That I just put some boiling water into the ice water, and took a cold but not freezing bath.
7. And I have pretty clothes on.
8. That I am keeping good records for/of my students.
9. This sweater
10. These socks
11. Clean laundry
12. Quick, inexpensive stop at hfs yesterday for a few things I “needed.”
13. Less than a week til heat and hot water.
14. That I said good things for I. after having to put down their dog.
15. The enduring spirit of people. We do tend to get through
16. That I can go to an OA meeting tonight if I wish.
17. Every night except Fri and Sat, actually. And Sun, but then I have CoDA anyway plus an am OA meeting if I want. This is definitely not true everyplace.
18. My tongue
19. Throat
20. Esophagus
21. Lungs
22. Diaphragm
23. Stomach
24. Small intestines
25. Larges intestines
26. Skin
27. Nails
28. Hair
29. Eyelashes
30. Eyebrows
31. Successful hysterectomy
32. That I haven’t killed myself.
33. That, although it sounded appealing after the fact and I almost wished it had happened, that the carbon monoxide didn’t actually poison me to death in my sleep. That would have hurt some people.
34. Life lessons
35. Stars and that we get to see some from earth.
36. Same with moon
37. Sitting outside yesterday to do some of our work. The sunshine there
38. How happy the children were doing their little packet.
39. Wow. Today’s For Today: “Nothing is more desirable than to be released from an affliction, but nothing is more frightening than to be divested of a crutch.” James Baldwin
40. True. And that book wasn’t written just for me, as J used to say about things like this, so that means others have gotten through it.
41. And maybe I can too.
42. “No one wants to suffer the effects of obesity and/or enslavement to food.
43. “But the real question is, am I willing to give up the temporary oblivion food provides?
44. “That crutch enabled me to hobble through life when nothing else seemed to help.
45. “Yes, the thought of losing that crutch is frightening. But in Overeaters Anonymous, no one is asking me to give up the food and go out and try to make it as a normal eater.
46. “Instead, they give me the one solution OA has: the twelve-step program of recovery.
47. “Step on administers the first dose of truth: I am powerless over food;
48. “and steps two and three tell me what to do about that powerlessness
49. “For today: I surrender my crutch of food to a Power greater than myself, which is doing for me what I could never do for myself.”
50. That I will someday be living in steps 10, 11, and 12 daily.
51. That mornings are not as desperate as last time I was separated.
52. That I haven’t given in and called J and begged him to just comfort me a little. Thank god.
53. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Fear that people would know the real me kept me from divulging the real me. Why risk rejection?” Yes, that’s been me.
54. “The irony is that, in wanting to avoid rejection, I isolated myself, which put me in the same solitary, lonely position that rejection from other people would cause.” Oh. I never thought of that. Wow.
55. “But I guess it’s always different if I choose it for myself. I told myself it hurt less this way, by isolating, than by having people reject me. Then came my first Fifth-Step experience, and innumerable others since then, when I allowed people to know the real me, and they did not reject me.
56. “So I had been living in my self-imposed isolation all along when, in reality, people would not have isolated me.” Wow.
57. “This is one more example of my tendency to do more harm to myself than other people would do to me.
58. “And its’ a perfect example of the way this loving program releases me from self-defeating behavior.”
59. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I sit still
60. “When I feel chaotic, anxious, or overwhelmed, I am neglecting myself.
61. “I am out of touch with myself and my Higher Power. I need to be still.
62. “I connect with myself by focusing inward and talking to that scared, little girl who didn’t get what she needed growing up.
63. “I stop analyzing everything.
64. “I sit still and am one with her feelings.
65. “I comfort and love her.
66. “I focus on staying in the present and think, what is the next right thing to do?
67. “I meditate to know God’s will for me.
68. “I pray for the power to carry it out.
69. “I appreciate the stillness inside me.”
70. That maybe I will meditate with the kids today.
71. Whooooooaaaaaaaa. Today’s Language of Letting Go:
Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn’t have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.
72. Oh my god: To compensate for the other person’s unavailability, we worked too hard. We hmay have done all or most of the work. This may mask the situation for a while, but we usually get tired. Then, when we stop doing al the work, we notice there is no relationship, or we’re so tired we don’t care.
73. “Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship-defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.”
74. Oh my God, I think we OTH did his to each other. This hurts. But I’m grateful for the insight.
75. “In our best relationships, we all have temporary periods where one person participates more than the other. This is normal. But as a permanent way of participating in relationships, it leaves us feeling tired, worn out, needy, and angry.
76. “We can learn to participate a reasonable mount, then let the relationship find its own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?
77. “Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, the work?
78. “We can let go.
79. “If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be.
80. “We do not help that process by tring to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.
81. “Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that’s what you want.
82. “Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I will accept the natural level my relationships reach when I do my share and allow the other person to choose what his or her share will be. I can trust my relationships to reach their own level. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.”
83. And this whole entry is called, “Accepting Love.”
84. Talk with my OA sponsor today
85. That although I had too much last night, I didn’t have junk and I didn’t pig out
86. That I think I’ll never get up to or over 200 pounds again.
87. Today’s Daily OM: “Simply by choosing to detach from your emotions and release tension consistently today, you will be able to keep your mind clear and accomplish more work with less effort.
88. “One good way to foster a calm mind-set is to periodically repeat a soothing mantra to re-center yourself if you begin to feel stressed. Choose a single word or short phrase that invokes a sense of harmony and inner peace, and simply recite it quietly to yourself when you feel the need.
89. “A calm mind-set provides the mental focus and emotional stability to accomplish our tasks with ease.
90. “Even the strongest intention to stay focused can be eroded by stress and result in scattered thoughts and lost momentum. By choosing to work consistently on keeping a calm, peaceful mind-set, we can keep greater control over our thoughts and avoid the detrimental effects of stress.
91. “With an uncluttered mind, our focus improves and we can accomplish our work with ease.
92. “In addition, our stable mind-set allows for greater flexibility so we can handle unexpected challenges and delays when they arise.
93. “By fostering a mind-set of peace and harmony today, you can develop the inner stability and focus to accomplish your work quickly and easily.”
94. Will have tea and breakfast at work and read while doing.
95. Will give kids a nice day.
96. Chatting with P. yesterday.
97. Maybe she’ll stay after all.
98. I’m pretty safe, as life goes.
99. All people who care about non-human animals.
100. Artists.