It was not as good as I had hoped
but not as bad as it could have been,
financially.
We were nice to each other.
We kissed once, and had good meaningful hugs.
I do not want to die, and that's important.
We will both be reasonable, I believe, and that's important.
And he is not deserting my mother, and that's important.
We'll see what the future brings. He may want to move further away . . .
I am hurt and somewhat angry and somewhat numb too. And kind of heartbroken about it all. And regretful.
But I must also remember. Like I was just out with two girlfriends. Dear friends, with whom I've been out a million times. And I was asking each: what will you do now when you go home? Each lives alone, and I was like trying to learn how to live...
And I realized - and this is very big - that I've asked that all these years anyway.
Which means
1. I was never content inside
and
2. I was not happy in the life with J
It hurt me very much when he did say today that he'd been "mentally ill and not really doing anything or living, just vegetating for so long" good so far - but then he added: "and you just accepted it." If I'd have thought more quickly, I could have said, "I had made a commitment. I wasn't going to break it. I was willing to keep helping you." Oh well.
Life.
Tell me I have a future. Right?
You DO have a future. And I'm guessing it will be better and brighter than your past. Because once this tie is severed (sorry to be so blunt) you'll feel untethered (which you're clearly starting to feel). I am very proud of how you're dealing with this. And he was wise not to have this conversation six months ago, when it might have just about killed you. Now you're strong enough. Join me on Pinterest, honey....I think you might see some ways to bring your inspirations together in pictures. http://pinterest.com/ejbatch/
ReplyDeleteIf you're interested, I'll send you an invite.
Love you.
Of course you have a future. You don't need a man for that. It might be a bit lonely at times but you will learn to live with it than learn to love it. Look how far you have come. Seriously, go and read your old post and be proud of where you are today.
ReplyDeleteYou have an amazing future ahead of you. Every day you get stronger. This time next year you will be much happier and very content.
ReplyDeleteOh wow! I love you. Each!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, EJ, Birdie, and JJ!
And yes, EJ - I don't know what send me an invite means but I'll check e-mail.
Every friend and student I help, is helped through me by your generous hearts.
Thank you.XO