CoDA

I feel:
I literally cannot see straight. I am so afraid. Want to take a Valium, but then would have no chance of driving and would really be stuck here.

Scared, Jilted, Shaky, Threatened in a way (financial and mother), Intimidated, Frightened, Nervous, Worried, Uneasy, Disturbed,
Lost about What Can Do - Nothing, really, about this conversation with J
Bypassed by a good man to love me forever
Lonely,
Depressed
Envious of M for having so much more money - not mean don't want her to have! Just mean wish I had to. Not talking about wishing were rich. Just secure.
Ill - all this body stuff
Very fearful of alone
Helpless about my own financial future because it's so late and I only make what I make and he might be vicious. Oh, God, please. If he is nice, I will be more than fair! Please don't let him be out to screw me.
Plus, I don't want lawyers making extra money out of it for no reason.
Battered about by life. I know that compared to many others, I'm not. But I feel it.
Kind of numb to anything else

All because: 1 hours and 10 minutes til "The Talk."

And
Humble, powerless and Willing - food stuff

And
Empty in a good way. Like, there must be some saying something like: "A vase that is not empty cannot be filled" or something.

And
Sacred. God made me
Trusting somewhat but that could be stupid. I'm picturing he'll be great about the money. And I might be in for a big shock. I have been before, with him.
Optimistic because of the trusting
Healthy in a way (although ill in many too)

Next time differently:
I'll never get married again.
I MIGHT have relationship(s) but I do NOT believe in marriage for me anymore with anyone else.

5 good things about me:
I have a "keen sense of justice." My high school social studies teacher even wrote that to me, and said "and the world needs it."
I have played in many piano recitals.
I have bravery.
I have not given up.
Jo likes me, and she's a very special person, so I must be likeable.