Grats

I am grateful:

1. I’ve done the click and call to save our pensions stuff I was asked to do this morning.
2. YESTERDAY I had a major turnaround. I felt relief. I wrote about it here.
3. I am still concerned about the telling of the mother, but not so much about the divorce! Wow.
4. The kids were happy yesterday.
5. I have a date coming. And there will be more.
6. I have lots of nice things to do this weekend. It’s actually more than I’d like – too busy - but they’re all good things and that’s great.
7. I have shopping with my mom today.
8. An event at school if I choose to go.
9. I can take my mom, if I choose to. She came last year, and loved it.
10. B’day dinner M tonight.
11. OA meeting tomorrow
12. Concert tomorrow
13. Possible bite with O tomorrow
14. CoDA meeting tomorrow
15. At some point the divorce talk, but *I will get through it * and kind of, Who gives a shit, too. Wow.
16. I helped D. with gratitude doing.
17. One more week til a week off
18. Deep breaths.
19. M adored her earrings
20. I have been great to my secret valentine buddy so far. And have all but one gift here already
21. And mine has been sweet to me too.
22. My dr (shrink)
23. My phone shrink yesterday. That call was fantastic.
24. Including him saying, “Hunger for love pushes love away.”
25. And he wants me to, and I quote, “Have a fucking ball.”
26. Including with other men. (Not talking about sex here).
27. He said homework is to do three things. I can do that.
28. One is: Read the books (titles he’s given me)
29. Another is: see other men and keep seeing other men
30. And the third is use the mantra: I’m so proud of him for doing what he wants to do. I’m so glad he’s gone. What a relief. What a relief. What a relief. Whoooo what a relief. He was a pain in the ass.”
31. I just sent a beautiful e-card to M
32. I had a cup of coffee – home-brewed – partial espresso and partial Maxwell House
33. With vanilla almond milk in it. And these are both luxuries.
34. I just had breakfast
35. From stomach hunger! : )
36. And a healthy one
37. And am about to have an orange too. And these too, are luxuries.
38. My sponsor is doing the exercises currently needed.
39. I start my exercise program today.
40. And gently.
41. I. Feel. Free. Oh thank you, God.
42. I just stopped to play some boggle
43. I can not-wash my hair if I feel like
44. I don’t have to wear makeup if I don’t feel like
45. I can stay in my fucking nightgown all day if I feel like. And not do anything else.
46. But I’m grateful I don’t feel like : )
47. But I can. And I’m also grateful that I know that.
48. Breathing so differently. Oh thank God.
49. I am an adult.
50. In a free country.
51. Tax-paying
52. Voting
53. Free. Free. Free.
54. I just wrote to O and shared my internal good news
55. MA called last night
56. And – we’ll talk in about 2 ½ hours this morning. Yay.
57. My body is mine. Mine. I get that now.
58. ***I feel kind of like Helen Keller seems to feel in the scene from the books and movies, when she makes the connection that everything has a name.
59. I am so very grateful that I didn’t’ give up.
60. I actually like life
61. I am actually not in fear. Some anxiety, but not fear.
62. And I just wrote Kim, too.
63. I feel like it’s a major awakening. Oh thank you, God.
64. I don’t know what’s coming. And I kind of don’t give a shit. I’m okay right now.
65. I can curse. Or more likely, I will choose not to. Except on occasion.
66. I can play in that recital. If I choose to.
67. Tiny snowflakes are gently falling. Right now.
68. I bought scrapers yesterday. I was actually phobic about this, and even asked J in e-mail if he had an extra. Like I, with 3 degrees, couldn’t figure out where to get one!
69. He didn’t have an extra, and I’m so glad. I went right near school and got two.
70. And they were cheap.
71. And shorter than the old one. Which means less easy to break (I think I broke that one and that’s why I don’t have?)
72. And I can leave one in car and one in house.
73. Plus I have a teeny little extra one M bought, that we leave in our classrooms (one each)
74. I. Am. Feeling. Relaxed.
75. And will not overeat. I have turned over my food and my food decision for today, to God.
76. And I am about to make myself a pot of blooming tea.
77. And enjoy it. All by myself. ENJOY something all by myself.
78. And I’m watching Sell This House on A & E.
79. And I enjoy this show.
80. And J hated for me to even have it on. It made him feel bad about not being able to help us get a better home… (so DO something – OY!). BUT THAT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER NOW! I can watch the shows *I * love!
81. And I shall practice some Bach today.
82. I’m watching the pretty snow falling by the grand oak and other trees outside my French style window right now.
83. I don’t WANT to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with me!
84. Li just showed me how to get the accents to appear when I’m trying to type in French. I forget already, but IT DOESN’T FUCKING MATTER. I CAN ALWAYS LOOK IT UP.
85. I can scarcely believe how much more relaxed about things I feel. I KNOW the divorce shit will be difficult. I KNOW I will have this and that feelings…. But I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.
86. And – that was a deep deep breath.
87. I shall do some French homework today. Just for me.
88. I have friends.
89. I wrote L a nice chatty letter this am.
90. He likes those
91. He writes wonderful ones to me
92. Art
93. Artists
94. Museums
95. Music
96. Musicians
97. Concerts
98. Actors
99. Plays
100. Directors
101. Writers
102. Technicians
103. Movies