Grats

I am grateful to be back, though not feeling well.
And I am grateful for these things:

1. Meeting L.
2. The most amazing chemistry I have ever felt!
3. The best kisses I have ever had!
4. He called last night and we had a nice chat.
5. That I took the public transportation both ways by myself.
6. That I learned some things about art and about history.
7. That I enjoyed about half a glass of absolutely delicious wine.
8. And some nice greens
9. And half a pear
10. And lots of walking
11. And that before getting off the bus I really needed to calm down. Had already said a whole Rosary, and meditated. And was now literally shaking (hands)! Called M and said, “Please tell me that I am good enough because God made me, period. And it doesn’t matter what this jerk will think of me, right?” And she said, “Not just that, but you are beautiful.” And that helped.
12. Then, inside the place before I saw him, I almost left! I am so grateful that I didn’t.
13. Although I knew there was NO WAY he or anyway else was going to see them, I had on such pretty panties, and lacy stockings.
14. And I felt feminine.
15. And even pretty.
16. And as I lose weight, my face dimples are coming back and showing!
17. And this morning when I washed my hands and looked up into the bathroom mirror, was still smiling from yesterday(!) I saw them!
18. I took a risk. Yay me!
19. My French teacher translated the Thich Nhat Haht “10-line poem” breathing meditation – long form and short for me! I have it in writing! : )
20. M just called. We had a GREAT girlfriends talk. Mutual. Symbiotic. Lovely.
21. And L. just wrote. Nice.
22. And I wrote back.
23. I am grateful that I have so much to be grateful for.
24. I think I have a date next week with someone – maybe lunch or something. I’m only interested in L. right now. But both therapists (real irl and phone one, with whom I have one more short and one more long call) think I should. And I know I should. So as not to become addicted to L, or jump into a relationship too soon, or lose my newly-being-found independence. Blah blah yada yada.
25. My whole body is still tingling from yesterday. I have never felt like this before. Omg.
26. I heard from my tai chi teacher – who introduced me to meditation, Thich Nhat Hahn, and the practice and Buddhism. Wonderful.
27. That he did introduce me to these things.
28. Just feeling somewhat better today, don’t’ want to do my morning work. But AM anyway! And for that I’m grateful!
29. And now it’s Sunday. I am grateful that I went to Mer yesterday when she needed me
30. And that I then made it to the Worldwide Unity OA Marathon meeting for the last hour or so.
31. And it ended with 18 minutes of meditation!
32. And THN was even mentioned!
33. And I so able to get right into it.
34. As usual!
35. L. wrote something I didn’t like yesterday evening. But I stayed strong and we were able to talk it through.
36. I’m proud of and happy for myself that I didn’t give in.
37. And the big message is, of course, that I remember I have nothing to lose. He is stirring beautiful feelings in me. I am enjoying them.
38. It’s now Tuesday. I am back. Thank God.
39. And I have written a poem in French.
40. And helped Mer - a LOT
41. And given my kids a GREAT day yesterday
42. And got through it so well myself despite being overwhelmingly tired
43. Am so tired today again – have not been able to sleep at night – but will make the right decision and the important thing is that I know that
44. My honesty with L. It might not be the smartest, as one should keep mystery…but I’m more interested in being ME than in “keeping man.” And that in itself is a thrill.
45. Heat in the house
46. Doggie was so happy to see J yesterday
47. He still seemed ambivalent. Lingered a bit. Kissed me (not passionate kiss). I’m not so sure he doesn’t love me at all. I don’t want him back anyway, at this point, but it felt nice. I do love the man.
48. The higher level of conversation I have now, due to my talks with Louis. It’s kind of like when the kids are dressed for picture day, how they behave better. When I’m speaking and writing regularly with someone of a certain intellect, mine comes more readily to the fore and I’m glad.
49. My eyesight
50. My sensuousness
51. That I feel like a woman again
52. Quinoa
53. Eating so much better now
54. Sex. Haven’t had any in a while, but will one day. And it’s a nice thing.
55. Two preps today
56. My dr. coming tomorrow
57. Great French lesson yesterday! I love these!
58. Freedom
59. That I am able to walk from the bed to the bathroom
60. That I am able to drive
61. That I am able to afford a car
62. That I will probably see L a bit for my b’day
63. Massages
64. My hearing
65. My ability to speak. Really
66. I’m very grateful for my open-mindedness
67. And that today might not be quite as difficult as yesterday.
68. That my French teacher sent me lot of materials she uses with her classes to go with the movie Les Choristes
69. And M got me the movie
70. And I will watch it this weekend, I think!
71. With subtitles.
72. And then maybe without: )
73. Light touches
74. Light kisses
75. Medium kisses
76. Deep kisses
77. One lip at a time biting little kisses
78. Poetry
79. Being inside when it’s storming outside
80. Maybe can clean really well this weekend
81. Maybe can get chimney cleaned this weekend too
82. Maybe. Only maybe. And that feels good.
83. Peaceful people.
84. Snow days. Wonder if we’ll get one this year
85. That I used to have a boat
86. Disney
87. Good books
88. Health magazines
89. That health board-game the kids are playing
90. Good DVDs
91. That I’m alive
92. And I’m grateful that I’m grateful to be alive
93. The OA Unity Marathon Saturday
94. And the meditation we did together.
95. The breathing game with the children
96. Good psychologists etc.
97. Multi-vitamins
98. Vita-mix – I don’t have one, but I’m grateful for them
99. The days I used to come home and J. would have a veggie/fruit juice freshly made for me.
100. Laughter. Especially deep belly laughter