CoDA

I feel:

So much!
So many things!

Isolated, lonely - doing all the England stuff
Swamped - so much to do between self, programs, England, and work
Disturbed, uneasy, uncomfortable - J and all the stupid-ass state allowances of my money to him and I have so little and I'm not sure how much that he's allowed, he'll want to take - maybe all! : (
Frantic - too much to do and nervous and not fully trusting of self
Scared can't do all should/need to/want to
Unsure of self and ability to cope - and of J and how decent he will or won't be
Overwhelmed - too much to do, and have never done ANYTHING like it!
Encumbered - by my own fucking fears and lacks of experience and upbringing
Impotent - against the stupid state about the money and about my job stuff
Battered - by J. All those years of giving and now this
Intimidated by the state allowances (divorce-wise) and by our governor (education and teachers and his stupidity)
Worried about my future
Regretful about my past with J and about not facing my issues sooner
Envious of everyone who's better off
Anxious - about everything almost, sort of
Shaky - all of it - just shaky inside
Betrayed by the man I made and meant the vows to
Ignored by J
Furious at J and at the situation and at these parts of my upbringing
Unappreciated by J
Apprehensive about my future
Jilted by J
Exhausted, in a sort of depressed kind of way - like - I have energy at work (thank God) but it is ALL used up and I collapse at home + I almost need to, to avoid, or something
Numb - despite all these feelings, there is an area of me that is still numb. And although that is normally against my nature, I'm appreciating it. I can only take what I can take.
Afraid. Afraid. Can I do it kind of afraid.
Neglected - J - despite his good intentions, and I mean that
Rejected - J. And it FEELS LIKE every good man would reject me. Why not? But dr. says, and I quote, "So why would you accept his distorted opinion as being gospel?"
Empty and ostracized both: About navigating London alone. All alone. : (
Insecure. Because I do NOT have security. Despite 31 years of working to secure it. Fuck!
Blue. Obviously
Used. By J. To pull the plow. Even now when HE'S left ME!

Humble, Powerless - food

Affirmed - principal
Worthy - because I've done so much
Optimistic, in a way, about my life, my present day, and my future
Alive - I am alive, and I feel alive, and I'm glad for that
Brave - in some ways. I have always been
Thankful, Grateful - so much - I mean, 100 gratitudes a day
Blessed - in many ways - but that's NOT to say I'm chosen and some others aren't blessed - it just means I'm aware of my blessings
Trusting - in some ways of some people, even J to not take too much advantage
Forgiving - I know that like me, he has done, is doing, the best he can with what he has
Sacred - because God made me and loves me.

Next time differently:
Just keep growing
Eat less still

5 Good Things about Me
1. I try
2. I'm nice to the children
3. I take their education seriously
4. I'm honest
5. I'm funny