The Most Amazing Thing

Oh my God, dear God - I. am. a. person.
I. am. a. full. person.
I. am. a. whole. person.

I am truly fine.

I have had a fantasy for somewhere near a year:
J comes home or is here when I get here, bags and all: "Honey, I'm home."
I literally have to call in sick because I just about collapse in the exhaustion of
absolute relief, and like, sleep for a day and a night.

But now - today - I FEEL that relief.
And we're having the divorce talk tomorrow.
And I feel that relief!

I mean, people were literally saying to me in the afternoon (colleagues): "You look exhausted - you look like you REALLY NEED the weekend."

No! It is the exhaustion I was waiting for but for the opposite reason!

Oh my Dear God!

--

I am free.
For the first time in almost 30 years, *****IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THE FUCK J THINKS OF ME!!!!!!!!!******* (except to make good financial arrangements - fair)

I am free of tap dancing: "Am I good enough yet? Am I good enough yet? Am I good enough yet?"
I am free of feeling anger and resentment and giving up and giving in.
I am free of having become a shrew and hating myself and him for it.
I am free of worrying or even wondering whether the fuck his family accepts me.
I am free!
I am free!
I am free!

I exist!
I know it!

I look forward to things!
Like my French lessons.
My phone therapy (two more calls to go)
My real therapy
My daily call to sponsor
Travel!
Work!
Someday retirement!
The gym!
Swimming - not hooked to J
Laughter!
Girlfriends!
New people
Adventures
Excitement
Lightheartedness
Ability to get through problems

I can do any-the-fuck thing I want!
I can sleep on the table, or the lawn.
I can play piano - loudly - at 6 AM
I can eat vegan ice cream for dinner (I choose not to, but I can) in my jammies.
I can color
I can skip
I can run
I can walk doggie or just let her out in the yard
I can get a bird - or fish - it doesn't matter what the fuck he thinks!
I can move away from here (can't afford to financially, but it's not about him)
I can date L.
I can someday fall in love with someone else
Or not
I can have sex with everyone - or no one (I'll be safe either way though:)

I can be fat or thin (choosing weight loss for self and health)

I. AM. GOOD. ENOUGH. I AM.

I am breathing the first free breaths I've had for the better part of 28 years.

I didn't even know how tense I have been, virtually every minute, until it left me - TODAY.

I. CAN. BE. ME!!!!!

Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God.
Thank you.

I am so glad I didn't kill myself.
What a turnaround.


Breath breath breath