I am becoming a full person.
I never really did when I lived on my own before J.
I think it was only for a VERY short time that I even THOUGHT I did.
Gulp,
Mostly, I knew I was pretending.
And so everything - EVERYTHING - I did, was about what J would see/know/love/approve of.
Ex. when he was living across the country and I was going to weight watchers (although I looked great, but wanted to lose a few pounds),
really
in my heart of hearts
I most liked 'TELLING HIM' I was going.
I liked that he SAW/FELT/KNEW/BELIEVED
even when he lived here in this town,
that I had all these things going on - this singing and that conducting and that piano playing and the other teaching and these friends and that embroidering and the ww, ...
Itwasn'treal.
iwasntreal.
--
But - just now,
as I was walking doggie around the area on her leash,
I felt -
I FELT -
myself.
MY legs
MY thoughts
MY okay-in-this-moment.
So although I hate that this has happened, and I do(!),
I *know* that at this time, I am growing a self. I am growing as myself. I will be better and better. Happier and happier.
It will happen.
It IS happening.
Amen.
I really 'get' this. And I'm so thrilled that you're experiencing it. What a fabulous time this is in your life. I wonder what you'd do/feel if he all of a sudden appeared at your door (literally or figuratively) and said he wanted another go at it. Would you jump at the chance or would you say "Ya know, J., I'm kinda liking my journey of moving on. I like the new me. So no. But good luck. Go forth and prosper without me."
ReplyDeleteWow do I love you.
ReplyDeleteIf he showed up, although I would want to jump on him from that moment forever, I would not. I also wouldn't quite say, "No way - go on your way."
I would say something like this, "Wow. I didn't expect this. As long as you respect me and treat me well, I'll be happy to see you. But I am enjoying being on my own, and growing, and I am seeing others as well." I would do that for a good six months.
...if only I could *have* that problem :)