Grats

I am grateful:

1. Dr. yesterday. We finally got to some real stuff again.
2. Birdie’s advice
3. My job, although I can’t imagine how I’m going to do it, which is to stop saying negative things to and about myself.
4. That I still do my thumb exercises
5. That Dr. helped me some yesterday.
6. This is a very very hard time right now. I’m grateful that I’m not here alone.
7. All the courageous women who’ve gone before me.
8. That I’m not terminally ill that I know of.
9. That although I dread it alone, I’ll meet with the financial person today. At least fact some things.
10. And will pray for help in all of this.
11. And B said will pray
12. That things aren’t worse. Like I’m not paralyzed
13. Not in an iron lung
14. Not a prisoner of some sort
15. Not at a bedside vigil of a dying loved one
16. Not homeless
17. Not starving
18. Can breathe
19. Can speak
20. Can see
21. Can hear
22. Can walk
23. Can type
24. Have pens
25. And pencils
26. And markers
27. And crayons
28. And paints
29. And more presents came yesterday. I’m going to open them right now.
30. M’s locket came. It is handmade but vintage style, with 3 tiny pink butterflies on it. I thought she could put her 2 girls’ pictures in it. Plus pink is her favorite color, and all of theirs. Plus 3 butterflies, like each of them and their freedom. For her sake.
31. Thank God I just smiled.
32. Because my secret valentine buddy’s personalized snail figurine (she loves snail figurines) came. And it’s adorable and cheerful. And I know she’ll love it! This brought me happiness. Good.
33. And her iron little snail came. It’s wonderful!
34. And her outdoor garden snail. It’s good.
35. Online shopping. It has made it easier for me. I’ve always *wanted * to give good gifts, but not always had the knack, and so wish I had with J. But better now to find that thoughtfulness than never, right?
36. OA
37. I just opened the garden snail fully, put it down, and found that my body took a deep breath. I’m glad for that.
38. I have a meeting at lunch (financial) and an after-school meeting about a very troubled kid, but I do know I have gotten through this kind of thing before, so I can again, right?
39. Friends.
40. Living near other people. I would NOT want to be more isolated now.
41. Gardens
42. Flowers
43. Every minute J and I have spent at botanical gardens together
44. Butterflies
45. That I’ve seen a hummingbird
46. And rainbows
47. Every outdoor concert we’ve ever been to
48. Especially those with doggie
49. And that time at that outdoor concert when she was a pup and the newspaper took and published a picture of her
50. That we extended ourselves to D when he was having a hard time
51. And to Aunt B too.
52. All those special valentine’s days we had, our way
53. That at first M did want me at her house for her b’day. Just me, and her mom and dad. (Now no, because she’ll be in another state too long).
54. My sponsor. My wonderful, helpful, great example sponsor and their honesty.
55. My doctor trying to impress upon me that all the feedback I get/have gotten from so many people for years and years has been that I have helped them to survive (and he named people)
56. And that I have something within me, that I am able to give to others, that makes them feel good
57. And that if I have that much to give, I can’t be empty. I must be whole.
58. He says, “It proves that you HAVE what you THINK you’re missing
59. “You have within you, yourself. That you don’t NEED j to replace
60. “You love him – you don’t need him
61. And that’s what new therapist says too.
62. And I’m starting to know I don’t NEED
63. That I just had a really bad thought about self being defective because couldn’t make it in primary relationship, and replaced it, as dr. said to, with: “No. That’s stupd – that doesn’t make sense I’m not gonna believe that.”
64. Also he says that IF J is so desperate to be away from me, then why would I accept this distorted opinion as being gospel. That just because I’m not wanted by J doesn’t mean I’m unwantable. Wow.
65. And that “You’ve even given something to me – like I have a lot of respect for some of the ideas you have, that I never even thought of.”
66. And I know these are his quotes, because I was typing them as he said them, plus I checked.
67. And he tried to hide it, but he was like tearing up when he said that last one. So I *do * make an impact.
68. Now maybe this new job of stopping putting myself down will help me to feel better.
69. I don’t really WANT to have that feeling I had: is this enough? Am I enough? Is he feeling anything today?
70. The reminder in one of today’s readings that I am a compulsive overeater and that that disease doesn’t go away. I must continue my recovery work.
71. That I’m trying to be myself more. I’m terrified because of some BIG, really STUPID mistakes I almost made but J helped me not to (I’d asked for opinion), and I don’t trust myself. But I am going to try to know that that is stupid and I am trustworthy and everybody makes mistakes and no one would have died had I made those. That I am a full person. (Not believing that, again, damn, but knowing that dr. said I am, and that I am to tell self: That doesn’t make sense, and I’m not going to believe it). Okay
72. Today’s In This Moment says, “CoDA offers me a safe space and the tools necessary to begin the healing process of recovery.
73. And “Not every day is peaceful. Many are painful as I face and feel the frozen feelings from my past.
74. And “Through the recovery process, which continually evolves, I gain greater ability to establish and maintain healthy and loving relationships,” Thank God.
75. And “not only with others, but unexpectedly, and awesomely, with myself
76. “and my beloved Higher Power.
77. And this: “Awareness of healing changes me within and leads me to gratitude from which i derive strength and hope.
78. And it says, “In this moment, I am secure."
79. On gratitude no. 80, having just done three of the readings, and even e-mailed J, and opened the presents, and had some coffee, I don’t feel quite as bad as I did an hour and a half ago. Okay. That’s something good. Good.
80. That I did today’s readings.
81. And am about to do today’s CoDA work.
82. And I just did it. It’s hard.
83. And now I shall record it. I’m grateful for these things in the moment.
84. And in the hope that they may fulfill.
85. And I have analyzed them as should.
86. That there has been enough time today for all of this.
87. That I actually don’t FEEL LIKE overeating right now.
88. That I am losing weight again. Slowly but surely.
89. I’m grateful that my principal likes me
90. And my kids do too
91. And that my thumb is still well may it stay that way
92. And that I’m being so terrific to my secret valentine buddy
93. And that she, last year, gave me a birthday present, which we don’t do, and in a way it’s a circle come back that hers is the name I happened to blindly pick from the box.
94. The French language. It’s so pretty and brings me nice feelings.
95. That my French teacher thinks maybe I have a program on this laptop so I can listen to more of the language because that’s important.
96. That maybe I can get French movies that aren’t sad.
97. Using my prep for ME yesterday.
98. God is with me. God is with me.
99. I am never alone. Right?
100. I have hope for health.