Grats

I am grateful:

1. M loved the locket
2. I think E is okay. He fell and even hours later didn’t feel well. Had hit head. Adult in room where he was when fell was so upset (it was not in my room) she cried…Nurse checked with his dr., and it seems he should be okay and I’m grateful for that.
3. I’m grateful – so grateful – for my time with MA last night.
4. I’m grateful that I called her, because I really needed a friend
5. And although she *thought * she wouldn’t have time, *just as I was getting into my car * in the school parking lot, she called
6. And once again, I find myself grateful for cell phones
7. And driving over, I almost stopped several times. Was so tired and shaky, felt like might not be able to drive safely after more hours.
8. But got there (it’s very near school) and called and she said come up first
9. And I got to do some of my self-help book at her table while she did some paper work.
10. And I mentioned about J and our apparent divorce talk coming tomorrow. And she was very calm. And asked about my dr’s help. And I’m grateful that the whole thing was like 2 minutes, really.
11. Especially because when we left for the diner, she mentioned that she’d seen her doctor the day before, and her test results prove that she has lost a lot of lung function during the last year and a half. (She has interstitial lung disease). I’m not at all grateful for that. But that I was able to put aside my crap and be there for her.
12. And that we had a good, honest talk about it.
13. And then we talked about other things. It was I who was able to tell her stories I knew she’d want to hear and she laughed and laughed.
14. And I reminded her that the year when she exercised regularly, she did not lose lung function.
15. And she is thinking about doing it again.
16. It worked out for the best that no one else could get together
17. Maybe that means you never know what good can come after/of bad
18. And I’m grateful that although I’m not involved, M does have comfortable plans for her birthday weekend.
19. And that I went and picked up the mani-pedi gift certificate to give her from me and D
20. And that I have a private present too.
21. And that now I’m done with presents. Because I really need to not spend anymore.
22. And that she knows that too – and has said it to me
23. I’m still grateful for the help my sponsor was to me yesterday morning.
24. And I’m very grateful that the phone therapist is available for this evening after work.
25. That it says in today’s For Today: “Moving ahead requires only awareness and willingness. Nothing complex. No figuring out, no master plan, only a desire to change.”
26. I am grateful for my online spiritual community and that we pray together there.
27. And that D. wants help to do 100 gratitudes a day.
28. And that I’m willing to give her that help. Even though she’s difficult to deal with. But I would never refuse to help anyone with something like that.
29. I’m grateful that today’s Voices of Recovery says: “The stress of attempting to trust myself when my disease was rampant was like trying to push a rope up a tree - impossible. I'm grateful that today I have a Higher Power I can trust to guide me in honesty and truth.”
30. The Third Step Prayer. And that I just looked it up, so at least now maybe I’ll remember the end: “God, I offer myself to Thee – to build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I would help of Thy power, Thy love, and They Way of life. May I do Thy will always!”
31. The Seventh Step Prayer, to which I’ve just re-introduced myself: “My Creator, I am now willing that You should have all of me, good & bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefulness to you & my fellows. Grant me strength, as I go out from here to do Your bidding.” I must memorize that one and say it daily too.
32. And the Eleventh Step Prayer, which is referred to in today’s Voices of Recovery: “Lord, make me a channel of thy peace–that where there is hatred, I may bring love–that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness—that where there is discord, I may bring harmony—that where there—that where there is error, I may bring truth—that where there is doubt, I may bring faith—that where there is despair, I may bring hope-that where there are shadows, I may bring light—that where there is sadness, I may bring joy. Lord, grant that I seek rather to comfort than to be comforted—to understand, than to be understood—to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to eternal life.”
33. And this version of the Serenity Prayer. I have an aversion to the Serenity Prayer and I think this morning, for the first time, I understand why. Because I really don’t WANT to accept. I am still too afraid. I guess all the more reason why I NEED the prayer.
34. That I gave my food choices over to HP the last two days and they were great and it was much easier.
35. And that yesterday I prayed to be gentle all day. And I pretty much was.
36. And that I’ve given the kids more of the happy and learning days.
37. I will go to the post office at lunch today. Phew. Glad it’s so near and that I’m not too phobic to do it. A number of things are feeling more natural now.
38. And that I will probably meet O for Chinese food lunch today. Yay.
39. I am confused by things in the readings about “hardship as the way to peace.” So isn’t that the opposite of yesterday’s Emerson quote about don’t live in lists and waiting? I have the hardship – when is the peace? But despite this, I am grateful for hope.
40. Breath
41. MA being alive
42. People who give me compassion.
43. People who give others compassion.
44. Deep breaths
45. I believe I’ll get through this day. I’m grateful for that belief
46. Having helped two troubled kids yesterday.
47. And another not troubled, but with a problem.
48. Not wanting to stay for that meeting, but staying, enabled me to be there for MA’s call.
49. Doing the next right thing. That saying
50. And every time that I do it
51. Laughter.
52. Laughter with MA last night
53. Hope about money
54. Hope about J someday
55. Or someone else
56. Or being ok on my own
57. And for health. Hope for health.
58. That I have a job
59. That I *will * help J. financially how I can. And hope that he won’t try to screw me.
60. Movies
61. The great dinner I had at the diner last night. Grilled yellow squash, eggplant, roasted peppers, tomato, avocado, whipped hummus, fresh fruit salad, and a little piece of herb bread, and 4 tiny breadsticks, hot tea, and water. Didn’t finish all, but it felt light and healthy.
62. Kale salad
63. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water. Such a fortune.
64. Beaches.
65. Foxes
66. Firefighters
67. Pocketbook
68. I finally re-set the clock in my car. I think it’s actually correct now lol
69. Not making as much garbage/recycling as I used to
70. Not being as obsessed with *stuff * as I used to be
71. My breaths are becoming more relaxed now.
72. God
73. Buddha
74. Thich Nhat Hahn
75. Martin Luther King, Jr.
76. Oprah
77. Helen Keller
78. Eleanor Roosevelt
79. All the years I had pretty stationary. Now I think it is a waster of resources. But it was fun before I knew.
80. And like when I was 17 or so, and my parents had me pick out professional Christmas cards
81. And I picked “and the lion shall lay down with the lamb”
82. And even before that, my mother had cards made up with my name. It was very elegant.
83. The jumper my seamstress made for me. My first seamstress experience. I was twelve. I had some very nice experiences growing up.
84. That I was always faithful about visiting my mother in the psychiatric hospital.
85. That I don’t feel so much a need to feel sad anymore.
86. That with my dr., I’m working out the thing about this “hole” inside me. This feeling of a NEED to be attached to someone else to exist.
87. Life
88. That I didn’t kill myself.
89. MM. She is wonderful, and I’m so glad she is there and I get to work with her.
90. And that I see that on Jan 19, I e-mailed her and told her that.
91. The gifts I’m giving my secret valentine buddy
92. The gifts my secret valentine buddy is giving me
93. Kids
94. Happy, smiling kids
95. That I do fun little stuff for/with them
96. That we giggle together
97. And that they love it
98. Second-grade-appropriate activities – despite the ridiculous over-the-top curriculum. That we’re still fitting them in.
99. That my principal, superintendent, etc., are out there fighting for quality education rather than politicians’ agendas.
100. K’s help with getting in the SMARTBoard course paperwork.
101. And that she’ll help me with the project as well.
102. Nice people.