Thank you, God, for this day.
I woke up, had coffee, did gratitudes, and I feel:
Scared, burdened, insecure, unhappy, abandoned, alone, battered, wounded, regretful, hindered, bewildered, lonely, lonesome, jilted, inadequate, encumbered, ridiculous, frustrated, deflated, helpless, loving, downtrodden, desolate, exposed, slighted, disturbed, entangled, sad
and
Powerless, willing, humble
and
Sacred, healthy, open, grateful, blessed, divine, delighted, useful
I think it is because:
First stuff: I miss J. I don't see a good future for me. I'm being battered by some parents (many teachers are). I feel like there's something wrong with me and that's why I've built this shitty life, so how will I be able to change it. I'm also tired and I hate the weather and the dark, both of which are bad for me. I want to retire and move someplace warmer/lighter. But I can't, financially. I want a chance to work out our marriage. I also want not to be alone. I don't look forward to the crap I have to do this weekend. I'm also unhappy about having to leave doggie alone to do some of it. I don't think that's good for her. But not having her at all is bad for me. Loving is in this part because who I feel loving toward, is J. and he doesn't want that now. I feel like I can't do life.
But then I think, that's what programs are for..so that's good.
Second stuff: Food. I'm doing much better since facing it, cooking on weekends, and knowing I can't do this alone. And since EJ's help saying make it non-negotiable (don't remember exact work, but that was the meaning)
Third stuff: God made me. God is with me.
Delighted by some of the cute things the children say. And by their innocence.
Useful at work.
And to my friends.
I acted out codependently:
Avoiding J even when he calls, because so afraid can't bear to hear another bad thing that will hurt me.
I think I will do differently next time:
Just briefly and honestly stating how I feel, like I did in today's e-mail.
Thank you, Jesus, for these insights.
Because I don't usually - well I hardly EVER - get to it later, I'll put here 5 good things about me:
Um.
1. I'm a vegan
2. I'm compassionate.
3. I'm funny (irl)
4. I can use humor to defuse a situation for the kiddies
5. I'm growing as a person.
Here's 5 more:
ReplyDelete1. You're a good and loving teacher.
2. You're well educated, intelligent and well read.
3. You are open to delving into the 'big uglies' in an effort to be a better and happier person. I think there are A LOT of people who completely ignore the deeper aspects of their own selves, and lose out as a result.
4. When you want to be, you are deeply, consistently, freakishly honest. That blows me away.
5. You take feedback and criticism and new thinking very well. You're like a sponge in that way.
And one more, just for good measure:
6. You have a lot of people who love you JUST AS YOU ARE.
Oh my Lord, EJ. Oh Honey. Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you thank you. I was afraid you were too disgusted with me.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful human being you are.
I have read what you've said, and I will digest it. All. I am eating so well and wearing a pedometer because of you.
You are an angel from heaven and may God reward you and your family always.
I will e-mail you soon.
I love and appreciate you, Dearest.