CoDA Work This Morning

Thank you, God, for this day.

5 good things about me:
1. I am doing what I need to every day.
2. Dr. says I am "coping."
3. I still make sure to laugh with the kids every day.
4. I have taught many people to meditate.
5. I do a hundred gratitudes a day.

I woke up, had coffee, did grats, and I feel:

Blue, alone, loving, vulnerable, worried, lonely, hindered, rejected, regretful, sad, tired, sort of autistic spectrum almost, anxious, and unhappy

and
Powerless, humble

and
Alive, inspired, secure, blessed, sacred, diving, grateful, wonderful, delighted, healthy, open, whole, useful

I think it is because:
First stuff:
I don't love being alone when I wake and leave and come home and go to sleep. I miss J, whom I do still love. I am sorry for the asshole I was. I am anxious about a big thing involving many parents today. I want the closeness of the marriage but sort of - a lot of alone time too.

Second stuff:
Food. I've been brought to my knees and know I cannot do it alone.

Third stuff:
My breathing is good! I feel delighted and wonderful about going to Tiffany's (!) for the little (very little) gift for O and having it engraved with the date of her citizenship. I feel useful at work and to MA and even M and O - friends. I feel God's presence in my life. That alone is worth everything. I am very lucky.

I acted out codependently:
Well, not really.
ALMOST calling J for help because felt so phobic about going yesterday.
BUT - I DID it!

Next time I'll:
Do it too.