Grats

I am grateful:

1. That at least I’m not despairing.
2. My anti-depressant
3. MA will go to dr. today
4. I opened up some new magnets from the feelings-magnet box. That means some things are changing.
5. Today’s For Today: “You find in solitude only what you take to it.” Juan Ramon Jimenez
6. “If I force preconceived notions onto a problem, what can I learn?
7. “To learn something new, I need an open mind, a trusting mind which can wander into places that once frightened me.
8. “Rather than suppress thoughts and feelings, it is better to give them a good airing, to look at them in the clear light of day.
9. “Unattended, hidden feelings, like illusions, once defeated me. Today, I know that feelings cannot hurt me as long as I’m willing to look at them and see them for what they are.”
10. That last year I’d written, and I see it there now: “I don’t know that. Can’t they drive me crazy?” And I don’t exactly think that now. So there’s some growth.
11. “For today: What I bring to my moments of solitude, when I look inward at my feelings and attitudes, is self-honesty and openmindedness.”
12. And that last year there, I had written: “But scary.” Which is like what A. was saying to me at the party about herself the other night. But I don’t feel that AS strongly now.
13. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Our Higher Power gives us the power, providing we do the footwork.” A Plan of Eating, p. 5
14. “During the black, bleak time before I found abstinence” That alone is a thought that makes me grateful now.
15. “During the black, bleak time before I found abstinence and the Steps, I was filled with fear, depression, loneliness, despair, and self-pity.” Yes! That’s me!
16. “I was always looking for something to ‘fix’ me: a relationship, more money, the perfect diet, a better shrink.” Yes!
17. “Mostly I wanted someone to take care of me forever.” Yes. Yes.
18. “Guess what? That’s exactly what I’ve found in recovery – a Higher Power who takes care of me forever.
19. “I no longer doubt that there is such a power.
20. “There’s too much proof that something responds to me when I’m willing to change.
21. “My only job is to do the footwork and to trust.” Do the footwork AND trust.
22. “I believe this search for connection to a Higher Power is the ‘hole’ I tried to fill with food.” Hmmm. Okay. With “any” definition of a Higher Power.
23. “It is as if I wandered away from home long ago in an amnesia so deep I didn’t even know I was lost.” Yes.
24. “But something kept calling me to a pathway of healing and hope.
25. “It called me to OA. It called me home.” Well, I’m not so sure I feel that home stuff about OA, but it called me to a path of healing and hope and I do get some there.
26. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I emerge from denial.”
27. Then it does an acrostic. “Don’t even know I have a problem.” Yes. That was me. Defensive and blaming.
28. “Embellish the truth.” Yup.
29. “Negative consequences.” Oh yes.
30. “Identify with others.” Have started.
31. “Admit I have a problem.” Oh, yes.
32. “Lying is no longer an option.” I’m not lying to myself anymore.
33. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Difficult People. Few things can make us feel crazier than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give.
34. “Few things can frustrate us more than trying to make a person someone he or she isn’t;
35. “we feel crazy when we try to pretend that person is someone he or she is not.
36. “We may have spent years negotiating with reality concerning particular people from our past and our prest.
37. “We may have spent years trying to get someone to love us in a certain way, when that person cannot or will not.
38. …”we will feel the immense relief that comes when we stop denying reality and begin accepting.”
39. …”We stop letting what we are not getting from that person control us.
40. “We take responsibility for our life.
41. “we go ahead with the process of loving and taking care of ourselves.
42. …“I will give myself permission to take care of myself in my relationships, with emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual freedom for both people as my goal.”
43. In an online article: “…you will need to take extra good care of yourself as you heal emotionally.
44. “You will need to eat well, sleep as much as you can and surround yourself with supportive people who understand where you are at and respect your needs.
45. “Reduce your work and home responsibilities, but don't allow yourself to isolate completely or stop doing everything; some activity is good for you, purposeless as it may seem right now.
46. “You will not feel this way forever, even if it feels that way today.
47. “Get through today, lean on your friends and family and remind yourself that the pain will not be this intense forever.”
48. And in another article: “While these feelings can be frightening and overwhelming, they are normal reactions to loss. Accepting them as part of the grieving process and allowing yourself to feel what you feel is necessary for healing.” I need to know this.
49. I am grateful that I am alive.
50. I am grateful that I have a home.
51. I am grateful that I have a job.
52. I am grateful that I have friends.
53. I am grateful that I have a car.
54. I am grateful that I can type and it feels good.
55. I am grateful that some people love me.
56. I am grateful for doggie. I just heard her moving around.
57. I am grateful that my talk with J was nice enough yesterday when he called.
58. I am grateful that I’m not all alone in cyber-space.
59. I am grateful that I have coffee every morning. That’s a luxury.
60. I am grateful that the organic apples were less expensive than the regular ones.
61. I am grateful for the Asian pear I ate last night.
62. And for the mother who gave it to me.
63. I am grateful for drinking-water.
64. I am grateful for M’s children.
65. And her dog.
66. And her.
67. I am grateful that with all her health problems, MA is still around.
68. I am grateful for phone calls I get.
69. I am grateful that I’ve been eating so well.
70. I am grateful that I did two loads of laundry yesterday.
71. And that I did the dishes.
72. And made a veggie/protein bake.
73. I am grateful for the oven.
74. And the pots.
75. And pans.
76. And sponge. Really.
77. And dishwashing liquid.
78. And dishwasher powder. There are many who don’t have such things.
79. And that I’ll speak with my sponsor this morning.
80. And for Niagara Falls.
81. And beaches.
82. And parks. Every one of these I’ve been to.
83. And all the time J and I spent at that one park.
84. And coloring.
85. And diamonds.
86. And Chinese food like broccoli in garlic sauce.
87. And pretty accents.
88. And vegan restaurants.
89. And vegetarian restaurants.
90. And movies like Earthlings, which help people to see. I can’t see it – too – graphic – but I’ve heard about it.
91. I’m grateful when I help people feel good.
92. I’m grateful that I’ll have to take a walk this morning (doggie.) I do NOT want to. But know I’ll feel good when do.
93. Breathing well.
94. That kids love when I read to them.
95. That I’m a good actress.
96. Heat
97. Vitamins
98. That I don’t buy the ridiculously expensive ones anymore.
99. That I don’t spend on jewelry anymore.
100. That I breathe deeply sometimes.
101. That I can speak.