CoDA Morning Work Today

I woke up, petted doggie, had coffee, did gratitudes, did e-mails, and I feel:

Bypassed, Powerless, Lonely, Rejected, Surprised (Taken off guard), Baffled, Sorrowful, Isolated, VULNERABLE, Battered, HELPLESS, Ill, Inadequate, Broken, Shaky, Burdened, Estranged, Ostracized, Doubtful, Alone, REGRETFUL in so many ways, Inferior, Neglected, Afraid, Ashamed, Foolish, Ridiculous, Ignored, Alienated, Excluded, Unappreciated, Hindered (by my own self), Downcast, Despairing, Tense, Low, Bothered, Anxious, Toppled, Disconnected, Abandoned, Wounded, Undervalued, Low, Frightened, Sad, Upset, Jilted, Worried (about my mother), Ineffective, Absurd, Destroyed, Dreadful, Brittle, Dejected, Encumbered, Incapable, Miserable, Unstable, and SCARED.

and
Defeated, Powerless, Willing, Humble

and
Sacred, Grateful, Hopeful, blessed, Open, Needed (by MA) and Optimistic

I think it is because:
Decades. Decades.
And grieving.
And SO worried about my mother and today being Christmas. Need J to agree to say he's sick because other plan didn't work. She wants to go! : ( It's important to wait a month or more to tell her about us... Oh dear.
And worried about myself, my money, my house, my abilities, my future, my health, my stress.

Middle stuff: Programs. It's good to feel those ways.

Last stuff:
I don't know. God inside me maybe. There is some hope somewhere deep down, like the beginnings of a bubbling little brook.
And a couple of times - a couple of times - the freedoms has even felt exhilarating for a moment.

5 Good Things about Me:
Oh boy.
Okay.
Um.
Oh boy.
Um.

Time going by

um

1.
There must be something. Maybe even something I haven't said.

1. I did the right thing after all, regarding O's citizenship.
2. I am deep. I think J. doesn't like that, but it might be a good thing anyway.
3. People always say I'm funny. (I know these are not all new).
4. I am generous
5. I am working on living the Five Mindfulness Trainings