I woke up, had coffee, did grats, e-mailed M about maybe reading the Five Mindfulness Trainings together today, got and returned e-mail from J about other-dog dying, and I feel:
Lonely, inferior, jilted, sad, burdened, exhausted in an overwhelmed sort of way, entangled, encumbered, awkward, upset, anxious, hindered, inept, bothered, regretful, rejected, dejected, estranged, a little angry, isolated, disconnected, inadequate
and
Powerless, humble, willing
and
Grateful, blessed, whole, healthy, sacred, supported
I think it is because:
First stuff: SO miss J. Hate lonely mornings. So sad about that dog. Scared about elevator tomorrow after horrific tragedy in New York yesterday. Feel like can't possibly be a good teacher today. And with meetings at lunch and after school, can't prepare well for tomorrow, or get hair cut:( Just overwhelmed. Then so much to do on weekend. Want to go away with J. Just sad. Feel like it's the something wrong with me that has caused all my problems.
Maybe it was just put into my head, "That's why she's the way she is." Oh how horrible.
Second stuff:
Need to keep being slapped back to Step One, I guess, about food.
Third stuff:
Supported: Aide's help with my possible plans for tomorrow. M willing to read the Five Mindfulness Trainings with me. Other stuff: God, growth, sponsor, doctor, spirituality, all my gratitudes.
Five good things about me. Oy.
1. I am brave.
2. I try hard.
3. I am self-honest.
4. I am kind.
5. I cause people to smile and laugh a lot, it seems.
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