I. Am. A. Living. Miracle.

I am a living miracle.
God has performed a miracle in my life.

No, really.

Last February I literally stood there behind a car with reverse lights on and bad visibility (snow) and came very close to lying down behind it. Didn't even care that that driver would have to live with that. Or that there would be many witnesses. That it was on school grounds and the children might have to picture what happened and where. That they would have to know their teacher committed suicide. And so would my mother, J., and my friends. Did not care. Just wanted the sweet relief. Literally thought, "Oh. I could lay down right now. It would be so easy. Just do it. Just lay gently in the snow."
And there were a couple of other times similar.

But today, I *want * to live.
I appreciate life.
I love life.
I live in the moment.
It has been about 5 days of this.

5 days out of 56 years (well, maybe 54 - 55 - I don't know about infanthood -except that I could never get enough food, according to my mother, so maybe then too)

5 days of joy.
Peace
Happy, joyous and free?
Me?
Yes.
For today.

And I have knelt and thanked God.

Years of work
therapy
and over a year of real program work

And may I never stop.

Amen.

PS No matter what your situation, do not give up.
Try the little book, Be Free Where You Are - inexpensive and brief - by Thich Nhat Hahn. A talk he gave at a high-security prison in Maryland. And it changed some of *their * lives!