Grats

I am grateful:

1. Secretary found slip so I can be reimbursed for the money I spent out of pocket that the school should have covered. I’m getting it back.
2. I found a way to get to O’s citizenship swearing in that is far less phobic for me.
3. Dr. liked my plan, because it’s still a big stretch.
4. O does hope I’m there. She’s being loving to me.
5. And I accept fully that she wants to go with her family for the travel part. I’m being loving to her.
6. I’m thrilled that I got that present for her. Even though MA thought I spent too much, and really I spent so much because I felt so honored being invited to go with her family and wanted to live up to the honor. But I’m thrilled anyway.
7. MA helped: “You’re not a fool for thinking you were invited in a different way than you were. You’re a beautiful, loving, caring, generous friend, who gets excited for those you love.” And then she gave examples.
8. My sponsor put it beautifully: “You’re not a fool for thinking you were invited in a different way than you were. We have such bad feelings about ourselves. It’s the basis of addiction. You must remember that. People value us more than we do. You have to accept that. You have to learn. It takes time. We learn like glaciers. Slowly.” I know that’s exactly what sponsor said, because was typing it as was saying. And it was helpful.
9. My day yesterday started with an e-mail from a child! Saying she loves class and is so happy…and most of all she likes me.” (Of course I wrote mom to make sure she sits with child if/when child writes to me or anything on internet – yes – and she, mom, explained the whole thing). What a nice way to start the day!
10. A potentially obnoxious meeting got cancelled.
11. A non-obnoxious- but-we’re-so-busy-and-I-really-didn’t-want-to-do-it meeting got cancelled.
12. Mau called. Would like to know if I’m interested in caring for her little doggie while she’s away end Jan. I *might * be. And am honored that she trusts me.
13. I know that would be a favor for her, but years ago, when I was much happier, I used to feel honored when m principal would put something extra on me. Not burdened, but honored. That she would trust me to do it well. I was not being abused or used; she asked different people to do different things. But the things she asked me were meaningful, and anyway, that’s the way I looked at it. And I’m so glad to be feeling that kind of thing again!
14. Stepping outside of my comfort zone to go to that mall Monday really did expand my comfort zone.
15. I’m even thinking of going away now. Alone. Just a little away. But something nice. Wow. I’d rather go with J. I’d consider going with a girlfriend. I *might * even want to go alone.
16. So yesterday on the news I heard about a woman dying by an elevator smashing her. This is so very sad. And I have had a phobia about elevators for years. I think I’m a country girl at heart. But because of the tragedy – and I will pray for her and her family of course – they said it’s something – fear of something bad happening in an elevator – that we all feel. I didn’t know that. I thought it was only me. The phobia is extreme, yes, but at least I’m not the only one who thinks it.
17. And – despite the fact that it will be a government elevator building, and I’m sure they’ll make me take the elevator because no access to stairs, I’m still probably – probably – going for O’s swearing in as a citizen.
18. B. showed up at school! This is the boy who has been out sick for a YEAR. In another state in a special hospital for a year. He was at school after school. Looking haggard and head not moving, but with a very good prognosis. Oh, thank God.
19. And little sister was jumping up and down with happiness. Literally. Because, “Daddy’s sleeping home tonight!” You see, “Daddy” has spent the year at that hospital with his TWO sons. One of whom is dying right now. It is a genetic condition. The one like in the movie “Lorenzo’s Oil.” But B. will live. And sisters are only carriers and only if they were to have sons would their children get it. So at least 3 of the 4 children are well, thank God. And may He protect little A’s dear precious soul.
20. The aide who helped me so much yesterday, as a real friend, with the getting-downtown stuff. Talked with me. Went and copied stuff off the internet. Picked up metro card for me after school yesterday so I’d have it today. What an ange.
21. Session with dr. went well yesterday. And – I got my pills. Phew.
22. I swear I think I’m gonna clean this weekend.
23. I will find appropriate gifts for her, and my 3 (oy!) aides. This weekend.
24. And – not spend too much.
25. Today’s For Today: “Don’t fight your problem. Know that there is a solution.” Joseph Murphy. Really? Wow. Well, these growths show hope, I guess.
26. “When I fight, or resist, a problem, I am actually giving it strength and weakening my chances of finding a solution.
27. “If I think constructively about a problem, a course of action will present itself.
28. “Constructive thinking is to know that a Power greater than myself is directing me, and that the Power already has the answer.”
29. And upon reading this for the first time, last year, I’d written, “Tap into a power greater than myself.”
30. Then it says, “In asking god’s help with a problem, I take whatever action is possible, knowing that every step brings me closer to the solution.
31. “For today: There is no problem I cannot take to God, and none for which God does not have a solution.” Really? Oh thank God. Thank God. Thank God for that. Oh. Big breath. Wow.
32. Today’s Voices of Recovery: What do I need to write about? I do not have to be afraid to look into my heart and put down what I find.” For Today p. 178
33. “Tonight I am withdrawing into senseless activity. Why? What are my feelings?” Omg that’s me every night.
34. “ANGER – I fear anger because I have used it to hurt others and myself. It is safer to hide it in some activity.” My dr. truly believes I am terrified of anger and always – always – take it out on myself somehow because I’m so afraid of expressing it to the other person.
35. “Anger. Can I recognize it and deal with it without destroying others or myself? Yes, with the Twelve Steps of OA and its tools, I can.
36. “I can write about my anger and, as I do, I discover the more basic emotions of frustration, anxiety, and loss of control.” Wow.
37. “As I write, my anger lessens.
38. “I can talk to my sponsor and other OA members who can help me understand this anger and can help me let go and turn it over to God.
39. “Since OA, I no longer have to be afraid to look at my anger and put down what I find there.
40. “Then I can deal with it constructively.
41. “I can live honestly with myself as I recognize and write about my feelings.” Wow.
42. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I take responsibility.
43. “I was accused of a wrongdoing that I did not commit.
44. “In the past, I would have felt angry but stuffed it down for fear of the other person’s response.” Yes. Definitely. Interesting that it’s a similar topic to Voices of Recovery on the same day.
45. “I might have spiraled into self-doubt and guilt, groveled for forgiveness, and resented that person.
46. “Today, I don’t feel guilty if I’ve done nothing wrong.
47. “I’m sorry the other person misunderstood me, but I know his feelings are his own.
48. “I take responsibility only for my feelings.
49. “CoDA recovery teaches me I’m powerless over others.” Oh, I really needed that, as I’ve just had communication with J. (# 51 below). Okay. That’s a bit calming.
50. I think I’m finally ready to mediate daily. Phew.
51. I just got e-mail from J. He and person at whose house he is staying, just had to put guy’s dog to sleep. First dog we met when we got our little doggie, and her best doggie friend since the other one died. Years and years. I loved that dog. The gratitude is that they brought him in to put him down, because it was the compassionate thing to do at this point. Grateful for the compassion of taking the hard step.
52. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Feelings. It’s okay to have and feel our feelings – all of them.”
53. And that I do help the children to know this. Always have. (Wish I’d been more this way for my J though).
54. “Years into recovery, we may still be battling with ourselves about this issue. Of all the prohibitions we’ve lived with, this one is potentially the most damaging and the most long-lived. Many of us needed to shut down the emotional part of ourselves to survive certain situations.” Yes. Me.
55. “We shut down the part of us that feels anger, sadness, fear, joy, and love.” Yes. Yes.
56. “We may have turned off our sexual or sensual feelings too.
57. “Many of us lived in systems with people who refused to tolerate our emotions. We were shamed or reprimanded for expressing feelings, usually by people who were taught to repress their own.
58. “But times have changed.
59. “It is okay now for us to acknowledge and accept our emotions.
60. “We don’t need to allow our emotions to control us;
61. “neither do we need to rigidly repress our feelings.
62. “Our emotional center is a valuable part of us.
63. “It’s connected to our physical well-being, our thinking, and our spirituality.”
64. “Our feelings are also connected to that great gift, instinct.
65. “They enable us to give and receive love.
66. “We are neither weak nor deficient for indulging in our feelings.” I’m glad to hear that. Because I’m suddenly so sad. So sad about that dog. On a number of levels.
67. “It means we’re becoming healthy and whole.
68. “Today, I will allow myself to recognize and accept whatever feelings pass through me.” Surprisingly, I do find that frightening.
69. “Without shame, I will tune in to the emotional part of myself.”
70. I am grateful that I am breathing well.
71. And that I have veggies for today.
72. And the gift of water. Plenty of water.
73. And that I’ve felt better about looking good lately.
74. More like a whole person.
75. More like a woman.
76. Have looked good. And have enjoyed it. Both
77. Having some fun with clothing.
78. Whatever little level of acceptance of life on life’s terms that I have (so sad over dog).
79. That I can turn my head/neck. Having seen that person who can’t. How fortunate I am even in that way.
80. That the class each made such a nice little thing for O. And it fit in beautifully with our social studies curriculum.
81. That I eat lunch in the faculty lounge, pretty much daily. Finally.
82. That I started a sort of “breakfast bar” at the counter outside our rooms yesterday, and four of us had a nice time before classes.
83. That my darling little student J is really into meditating.
84. That this round of conferences is almost over.
85. Wow. It’s amazing how my mood has changed. I was so happy when I started this list. And that e-mail about that dog has really hurt me. My muscles ache, it’s hard to hold my head up, my shoulders are slumped. I am sad for dog, sad for the person, sad for J. And sad *about * J. And having 7 years of memories of us with that dog and us being happy and believing in my heart of hearts we would be together always, J and I. So sad. The gratitude is about reading so much about accepting own feelings just this morning.
86. I am grateful that I woke up,
87. and walked across warm floor,
88. and got warm coffee
89. and am sitting here safe and sound
90. and typing gratitudes on my laptop
91. and that my thumb is working
92. and I’m still doing the exercises I should be doing
93. and many people at work seem to really like me
94. and I am not a bully. I have real trouble with people being bullies. But at least I am not one.
95. And I think I’ve started to help little R with her lying problem. A little.
96. I’m grateful for my comfy sneakers.
97. And for baths.
98. And for my eyesight.
99. And for my freedoms.
100. And our Bill of Rights.
101. And that I was born here.