Grats

I am grateful:

Started Mon eve

1. Getting to the mall
2. And getting a beautiful present for O.
3. And getting back.
4. And not having phobia stop me!
5. Including in the indoor parking garage
6. And now it’s Tues. am. I am grateful that I’m doing something with the class that they like. Yesterday and today. (Sometimes with the government taking over the schools now, it’s hard to do fun, happy-making things. But they’re only 7, and we’re not giving up).
7. In fact, they should have THREE great things they’ll love today: )
8. I’m grateful that I got the gift I got for O
9. And that her ex-husband/dear friend did call me back.
10. And that I left her a message last night.
11. And that I have a gift card I can trade for cash! I just remembered.
12. And for the holiday gift I have for D.
13. And the one I have the idea to get for M. I’ll ask Sh where the place is.
14. And that J came yesterday and fixed the vacuum, the food processor, and the slow cooker.
15. I am very grateful that this morning, for the first time ever, I prayed THESE WORDS and meant them: “Thy will not mine be done.” Wow.
16. I am grateful that I’m breathing
17. And sitting here drinking freshly-brewed coffee
18. And warm
19. And dry
20. And kind of awake even though just started the coffee
21. And that the nightmare I was having ended when the alarm rang.
22. And that I am free
23. And can walk.
24. And the things my kids, who are each writing a sentence and coloring flags as part of our social studies work, are writing about what makes America great.
25. Like doing any work we want.
26. Freedoms.
27. Good schools (some, like the one where I work) Etc.
28. Today’s For Today: “Amazing Grace! How sweet the sound That saved a wretch like me! I once was lost, but now am found. Was blind, but now I see.” John Newton
29. “Nothing could better describe what so many of us in OA feel than the words of ‘Amazing Grace.’” Good.
30. “For us, however, the experience is not a religious but a spiritual one.
31. “Whatever our religious beliefs, or non-beliefs, spiritual recovery is felt as a profound inner change; a dissolving of the attitudes and opinions that kept us chained to compulsion.” Chained to compulsion. Wow.
32. “Spiritual awakening heals us of self-willed blindness to the truth about ourselves and our condition.
33. “We are no longer wandering, alone and lost.
34. “We are found.” Oh I hope so. And I think it’s starting for me. Wow.
35. “For today: That people so deep in the clutches of compulsive illness can recover is truly evidence of Amazing Grace.”
36. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “Those who are prone to stuff themselves with food that makes their bodies unsightly are refusing the food that satisfies and soothes the unhappy soul within.” OA, Second Edition, p. 243
37. “My food fear has lessened since coming into program. I can walk down the binge-food aisle in the grocery store.” Me too. And I must remember that it is only program that has EVER done this for me.
38. “I no longer fear going to a party because of the food that will be there.” That too. (It’s also much easier for me, since I’m vegan.)
39. “I know I can recoil from it and rest in the arms of God.
40. “I no longer feel obligated to eat someone else’s gift of food.
41. “What has changed? I have given my life and my will over the God of my understanding.
42. “My life is service.
43. “I am no longer dieting, but I don’t stuff myself either.
44. “I’ve simply made a choice to abstain from my binge foods and work the Twelve Steps.
45. “The promises are coming true for me.
46. “God is keeping me unharmed.”
47. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I wait for clarity.
48. “Sometimes, expressing anger is dangerous.
49. “Often, it makes the situation worse.
50. “When I have no safe outlet for my anger, I keep it inside. It helps me to talk with a trusted friend.
51. “I write letters to God about my feelings.
52. “I do what I can to get my feelings out in to the open and wait for the anger to pass.
53. “After it is gone, I am able to see the situation with clarity.
54. “Then, I decide if I need to take action or need to let go.”
55. And I’m grateful that I did this yesterday. I was so angry for D for something that is truly egregious that she did. I tried to approach her once; it didn’t exactly get anywhere. Now, having discussed with M, and let some time pass, I will approach her today. Period. And I’m grateful. – But next time, I want to remember to pray about it.
56. I’m grateful that I spoke with my sponsor about whether to go to O’s becoming-a-citizen-day. Because there are like 6 (!) problems that involve my phobias. But my sponsor said to pray. And I did. And I’m going. First, I will take pills if need. Second, I will pray and meditate! Third, every time I step outside of my comfort zone, my comfort zone expands. And fourth, the little excursion I took yesterday helped. Last, even if I’m terrified, it will pass. Probably…
57. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Don’t be afraid of giving.
58. “For a while, we may need to back off from giving as we learn to discern the difference between healthy giving and caretaking, which leaves us feeling victimized and others feeling resentful.
59. “This is a temporary spot.
60. “To be healthy, to do our part in this spiritual way of life, to be part of the endless cycle of the Universe, guided by our Creator, we need to give and receive. Both parts are important.
61. “What is healthy giving? This is a fine-lined behavior each of us must seek to understand for ourselves. It is giving that feels good and does not leave us feeling victimized.”
62. Oooh – like sacrificing a little bit to buy the special gift for O yesterday. I will afford it, after all. And it made ME feel truly happy. Wow.
63. “It is giving that holds the giver and the receiver in high esteem.” Yes!
64. “It is giving based on a desire to do it rather than from a sense of guilt, pity, shame, or obligation.” Self: or fear.
65. “It is giving with no strings attached.
66. “Or it is giving based on a clean, direct contract.
67. “Whether it is giving of our time,” which I did on the weekend with those parents
68. “efforts, energy, comfort, nurturing, money, or ourselves, it is giving that we can afford.
69. “Giving is part of the chain of giving and receiving.
70. “We can learn to give in healthy ways; we can learn to give in love.
71. “We need to keep an eye on our giving, to make sure it has not crossed the line into caretaking.
72. “But we need to learn to give in ways that work for us and others.
73. “Today, God, guide me in my giving. Help me give to others in healthy ways.
74. “Help me give what feels right, what feels good, what feels clean, and what I can afford.”
75. As bad as it all is, this living without J right now, it’s not as bad as when I was in my 20’s and early 30’s and feeling truly desperate.
76. I am grateful for the Big Book.
77. And for Bill Wilson’s book that my sponsor gave me. The compilation of thoughts of his.
78. And these 4 meditation books I’m using every day.
79. And that I AM using them every day.
80. I’m grateful that I’m taking more chances.
81. And I think, helping my students to too.
82. And that I don’t have a drug problem.
83. And that I don’t have an alcohol problem.
84. And that my mother wants to go shopping Saturday instead of today, so I will maybe get my hair cut and colored today after work (It’s overdue: )
85. I am grateful that I’ve never been burned.
86. And very grateful for my eyesight.
87. And for the safe memories I do have from childhood.
88. And driving in the early morning Saturday. That was so nice.
89. And hope. Hope. Always grateful for hope.
90. And always grateful for water. Access to plenty of fresh, clean water.
91. And people who “get” me. And accept me.
92. I’m grateful for churches, temples, and mosques.
93. I’m grateful to all brave people.
94. I’m grateful for doggies.
95. And that I have healthy foods for today.
96. I’m grateful for fruit. Fresh fruit is a real gift.
97. I’m grateful that this year I have boots. For so many years I didn’t. I’m grateful for them!
98. I’m grateful that that mall was not busy yesterday.
99. I’m grateful for growth. Every bit of growth.
100. I’m grateful that I don’t have after-school obligations today. I’m so tired: )
101. I’m grateful that O has invited me to go with her to her concert this coming Sunday.
102. And that I might see St this week.
103. And MA
104. I feel like I have a wealth of friends. And I’m very grateful for that.