CoDA

Good Morning, God, and thank you for this day!

I woke up and had coffee and did my hundred gratitudes, and I feel:

Hindered, worried, rejected, depressed, overwhelmed, unstable, anxious, regretful, stuck, bypassed, ostracized
and
Willing, powerless
and
Grateful, sacred, healthy, blessed, divine, optimistic, open, activated, inspired, wonderful, recharged, useful, needed, alive, humble, loving.

I think it is because:
The first stuff: I'm unhappy without J. And I'm unhappy living alone. And I want to be with his - our - family for the holidays. And have my mother there too. And I'm overwhelmed with work at work and here. I'm very regretful for not having been more a woman and a person and a wife. And for having been so defensive and self-centered. And gotten so fat. I feel somewhat like there's just something wrong with me, so I'm hindered.
But second stuff: I'm doing better with food. Doing legwork and turning it over is helping.
And third stuff: Doing gratitudes FIRST was very nice. And so I got to START my day with positives. And I realize how lucky I still am, and how this day is all I have, and how I have to try to make good of it.

Thank you, Jesus, for these insights.

But - I'm trying to see the good in living alone FOR NOW.