Grats

I am grateful:

1. The cardiologist THINKS my mother’s heart test will be ok today. I don’t know.
2. She keeps going out of her way to tell me how much she loves me.
3. Vacation time.
4. MAYBE my mother will do the week of rehab. Maybe.
5. And if she does, not only will it be good for her strength, but it will buy her another holiday without J telling her about us, causing her to suffer.
6. Maybe I’ll figure out a way to get these windows fixed
7. WW
8. OA
9. That many people have left the vb, because the bullies have driven away.
10. Today’s For Today: “Exuberance is beauty.” William Blake.
11. “Western culture seems to squelch exuberance.
12. “As children, most of us are required to conform to a fairly rigid standard of ‘good’ concuct in the classroom and at home.
13. “Mustn’t be too expressive, too joyous: it is discomfiting to the grown-up person in charge.
14. “Soon, the children, taking their cue from authority, begin to make fun of too much display, too unrestrained a show of how good it feels to be alive in this beautiful world.
15. “How does a full-grown human learn to express exuberance?
16. “perhaps it is not possible to retrive what was once lost, but this program of recovery comes close.
17. “the more I practice being ‘as a child,’ especially when I take steps three and eleven, the more my spirit is seized with an untamed joy demanding expression.
18. “For today: I am not afraid to enjoy what is beautiful,
19. “nor to express my exuberance in whatever way occurs to me.”
20. Today’s Voices of Recovery: “As OA members we may donate many hours of service to each other,
21. “sponsoring,
22. “speaking at meetings,
23. “and doing necessary committee
24. “and other service work.
25. “For this none of us receives payment in money.
26. “Our reward is something money can’t buy – our own personal recovery.” OA 12 & 12 p. 171
27. “I thought I would offer service to give back to OA some of what it gave to me.
28. “Was I surprised!
29. “I do contribute, and I do give back.
30. “What surprised me was that even when I am doing service, I get far more than I give.” This is true for me.
31. “when I study the Steps with a sponsoree, I inevitably learn something new,
32. “something I needed to learn.
33. “When I share my experience,
34. “I often say just what I need to hear.” True also
35. “When I am having a difficult time in my life, the knowledge that one day I will be able to share my experience,
36. “strength,
37. “and hope with someone who is having the same difficulty makes it easier.
38. Today’s In This Moment: “In This Moment, I look within.
39. “Whenever I feel disturbed, no matter what the cause, I blame myself. I am a fear-based, shame-based codependent.
40. “Sometimes, I’m afraid there won’t be enough (money, material goods, love) to go around.” Yup. Not enough for me, anyway.
41. “At other times, I feel shame, as if I’m about to be found out (that I’m not smart enough, sexy enough, or young enough).” Yup.
42. “My feelings erupt as jealousy, anger, self-pity, and self-loathing.
43. “At all costs, I avoid looking within. Instead, I blame others.” Yes. I did used to do this. : (
44. “I CoDA recovery, I’m learning to take my own inventory.
45. “I look at my behaviors by journaling,
46. “working with my sponsor,
47. “and attending meetings.
48. “I gain insight
49. “and am willing to change.” Yes.
50. Today’s Language of Letting Go: “Strive for balanced expectations of others.
51. “Strive for healthy tolerance.
52. “In the past, we may have tolerated too much or too little.
53. “We may have expected too much or too little.
54. “We may swing from tolerating abuse, mistreatment, and deception to refusing to tolerate normal, human, imperfect behaviors from people.” Yup. Me. For a long time.
55. “Although it’s preferable not to remain in either extreme too long
56. “that is how people change – real people who struggle imperfectly toward better lives,
57. “improved relationships,
58. “and more effective relationship behaviors.” Okay. Hope.
59. “But if we are open to ourselves
60. “and to the recovery process,
61. “we will,
62. “at some time,
63. “begin another transition:
64. “it becomes time to move away from extremes
65. “toward balance.” And yes, I am grateful for each and every one of these phrases.
66. “We can trust ourselves
67. “and the recovery process
68. “to bring us to a balanced place of tolerance,
69. “giving,
70. “understanding,
71. “and expectations –
72. “of ourselves
73. “and others.
74. “We can each find our own path to balance
75. “as we begin
76. “and continue recovery.
77. “Today, I will practice acceptance with myself
78. “and others for the way we change
79. “If I have had to swing to the other extreme of a behavior, I will accept that as appropriate, for a time.
80. “but I will make my goal one of balanced tolerance and expectations of myself
81. “and others.”
82. I am grateful for CoDA
83. For my principal liking me.
84. For the kids being happy.
85. For the aide being switched.
86. For my ability to type. I feel like it saves me sometimes.
87. That I’m still doing my thumb exercises.
88. For my spirituality.
89. For anyone who reads this.
90. For books.
91. Especially the three I have for vacation time
92. For dear MA
93. And her having me come over yesterday when I was so upset.
94. The few nights when my father would come home with a Sponge candy when I was very little, and we would share it and watch “The Honeymooners” together.
95. And the times my mother bought a Hershey’s chocolate bar and we split it.
96. And her sharing memories with me at the hospital the last two visits. So good.
97. And seeing the pictures of O swearing in as a citizen.
98. That her B. is healthy.
99. The online prayer space I am part of.
100. This day off. And I will at least do some dishes! : )